my knees hate me. my inner thighs aren't too impressed, either.
i suddenly have a perfectly clear understanding of why my thighs got so soft and flubbery over the past few months. it's called "coaching beginners who don't tumble yet".
when kids are learning back handsprings, i spot them on my knees. i don't like potentially out-of-control legs heading for my nose area, for starters, and probably more importantly (not like a kid has never broken my nose, after all) it's easier to catch them and stop full-out crashing when they decide to do something wonky (had that tonight) when you're down on their level.
well, my kids have graduated their 'baby year' with their last competition last weekend, and goddamn am i happy, because i'm as tired of looking at those fucking back walkovers as i am of hearing when can i learn a back handspring?! i'd rather start them tumbling with more time ahead of us than three weeks and then two months of summer vacation, but i'm not going to dick around for three weeks, either, so fine. i'll amuse them. in september they'll have forgotten it all anyway, and they can learn it properly. their roundoffs are collectively a little sketchy at times, but we'll carry on. time to fix those in the fall. so we've been doing repetitive roundoff back handsprings, with me essentially standing on my knees, leaning on one to catch them, sliding sideways (hello, rug burn!) and ending up leaning on the other one.
hey! hey, smart ass! it's me - you know, your misaligned kneecap! THIS HURTS! you are squeezing me even farther to to the right than i already am! what the hell is wrong with you? you know, one of these days i'm just going to let go and run, and i'm taking your ACL with me. me and your ligament are going east unless you knock this shit off. you just wait. in fact, here, let me give you a taste of what it feels like - go on, stand up for a minute, i'm sure there's something you need to say to them and lord knows you better stand up and shout it at them if you want them to hear it over that fucking stereo - OH, that hurt, didn't it? did you think your ass was going to collapse into your ankle bones? yeah, i got Leftie in on that one, too, he's not happy either, you know. just because he's better by default doesn't mean he's in good shape. hey. HEY! what are you doing? you're getting back on your knees! are you fucking crazy? I SAID NO MORE OF THIS SHIT!
listen, you cranky little bastard, shut up. we haven't been used in a fucking year, and all of a sudden we've been called into action on this whole spotting shit. the arms have been doing all the goddamn work this year, and today she jumps on her fucking knees and starts catching fifty-odd pounds of child hurtling through the air at various and sometimes frightening angles, and we're doing the lifting - and at an angle, too. we are so out of shape it's not funny. we thought we'd been retired. we've been lounging on the patio with a chocolate martini since last june. so take your fucking boohoo-i'm-out-of-alignment-and-my-ligaments-are-weak bullshit and shove it up your arse. here's an icepack, a kleenex, and the world's tiniest violin. if you weren't so goddamn weak, maybe we wouldn't have to do so much work, anyway.
that was my inner thighs talking there. they did a nice impression of frozen jello when i finally spotted a nice smooth mat long enough for a small kid to do two moves on and wide enough for me to fit on beside them, thus stopping the insides and tops of my knees from incurring any more rugburn (which was actually approaching broken skin at that point). they are currently on strike. i will be getting out of my chair and crawling to bed on my hands and (unwilling) knees, as i can not stand up without looking like bambi.
so my kids came out of the evening much better than i'd anticipated. (i'm actually pretty annoyed now because i'm reasonably sure three of them would be doing it alone in another month - but they're going to go and run through sprinklers and watch television for two months and forget it all.) i came out of the evening shamed ('god, i am so out of shape.'), sore (in need of a warm bath and an ice pack, preferably at the same time), and smarter (if i could just figure out a way to simulate spotting, i could get my legs back in shape. i wonder if i could rent them out from their parents for an hour every couple of days over the break?)
i'll be hobbling off to bed now. my ankle has decided to join in on the party as well. i think it's time for a medicinal dose of mr smirnoff.