i hate this month.
for seven years, my car had a disaster every december. anyone who's read my journal for a while, or gone back thru the archives, will be familiar with this. accidents, mechanical failures, stupid things caused by me like leaving the goddamn headlights on.
last december - off scot-free.
there is a new bad month and a new victim. now, every may 8th, a bunny dies.
aj went at around 6 pm this afternoon. a year ago today, his boyfriend nicky passed away. same clinic, same symptoms (different causes). the doctor, a young guy, seemed more struck by the horrifically bad luck than i was able to be at the time.
he examined him, made a diagnosis, and was going to give him some anti-inflammatory drugs to make him comfortable overnight, so i could take him home and have my uncle put him down tomorrow if he couldn't do anything to help him. i called carolyn, told her to come and see him tonight, and made my peace with it a little bit.
twenty minutes later, they called me back into the examining room and brought me my dead bunny, who had gone into cardiac arrest (presumably from the stress of being given medication, which he's never had). i didn't see him die like i saw nicky, but i wasn't there for him when he died, either.
i told him i was sorry. some would-be vet i am. i didn't even notice there was a mass growing in his stomach. i just thought he was getting chunky in his old age. he'd been trying to tell me, i'm sure of it. skittle has been staring at him intently through the bars of their cages for the past month or so. i think he knew, too. the only one who didn't know was me. the asshole human who was supposed to be his caretaker. i told him he was a brave little boy for hanging on for a whole year without his boyfriend, and that he could cuddle with nicky now in bunny heaven.
i don't know how long i left him suffering with that thing growing in his stomach. it could have been months. he could have been in pain. in the end, i basically let him suffocate to death, because i was too stupid to know anything was wrong. i didn't notice until i pulled him out of his cage before i would have gone to work tonight and realized he was having trouble breathing.
goodbye, little puffball. i'm sorry.