there are so many things not to think about. don't think about carolyn (not the cards, not the angry letters, not the stupid fake friendship that didn't mean anything and how much you needed it anyway). don't think about acting (and why didn't you ever *do* anything and weren't you supposed to be the person who wasn't going to give up and settle for something normal?). don't think about val, and all the things that are tied to the whole situation. don't think about how all your days run into one another and you don't do anything with any of them (and why would you rather be sitting at the computer until past five a.m. in the dark, by yourself, rather than be awake and alive and doing something during the day, and what are you obsessed with this month, anyway?). don't think about how you somehow feel like a failure every time you get dressed and go to work because it's such a stupid, boring, embarassingly far from what you wanted to be doing with yourself job. don't think about what you see when you look in the mirror (don't look in the mirror). don't think about the fact that you are so, so alone that you could quite literally slit your wrists in the bedroom one night and the only reason anyone would find out would be because your roomate would wonder why you hadn't fed the cat. don't think about how much it should hurt just to be alive (because if you're not careful, you might actually remember).

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