i am having a day from hell. my stomach is in knots. i took a double dose of my meds yesterday, but i don't want to do it again today. i wish i had something to calm me down. (i wish my nerves weren't chemically dependant).
i should, by all rights, be feeling good today. it looks like i will definitely have a place to live, and i had a 'trial day' working at a kennel today that i'm pretty sure will lead to me being hired sometime this week.
however.
i had to ask for dad for nine hundred dollars. nine hundred dollars that i don't know if he even has, that i don't know when i will be able to pay back.
really important advice - if you live in ontario, DO NOT EVER TAKE OSAP. if you live in another province, well, take your chances if you like, but i wouldn't accept their student loans either.
(suggestion for those of you who have kids or may someday have them - save money for them to go to school. don't do what my parents did and say, "we'll help you when the time comes." it doesn't work out).
on friday, i put a small deposit on an apartment, which is a very nice apartment, because it was looking like the only place i would be able to get with my bad credit history (see above re: student loans). later on that day, i finally heard back from one of the people renting a basement apartment and went to go and look at it. the woman was very nice and basically offered it to me there. it's about $150 cheaper per month. free parking. free laundry. more space.
but i have a deposit on the first one, because i didn't think i would get anything else. all of the people with basements who i had called ... well, just none of them were good, for various reasons. this was the last one on my list.
i am fully aware that it is my own fault that i put the deposit on the first one (which i still like, very much in fact), but i was starting to feel a little panicky at this point on friday morning, a month and a half away from the end of my lease, and i was just trying to secure myself a home.
the two women in the rental office at the building where the more expensive apartment is were really really nice, and they actually saved the apartment for me when another girl was offering to put a full deposit down. so aside from the technical ... err, legality of having put a deposit on it, i feel really bad about the idea of not taking it.
plus it had a *patio*. my very own *patio*.
which leads me back to another issue entirely. i didn't mention anything to the woman at the house about having a dog around. whereas i can do whatever i damn well please with an apartment in an apartment building.
ARRRRGH!
i'm just loathe to get into something i can't handle. it's one thing to say that a full-time job will pay my rent nicely, and entirely another thing to sign a lease binding myself to it, because What It??? i am clearly never asking my father for money again, that's for damn sure, because A) i am far too old for that shit and B) i will be paying him back for the rest of the century already (did i mention it was NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS?).
*bangs head off desk* i would like a do-over. can i start from friday again? or, last month? last year? the day i moved out?
*sigh*