my baby is laying on the floor in my doorway, panting a little in the stuffiness, but otherwise quite content. she doesn't know that in two months, she will be taken away from me and her home, that she will be packed up and transplanted to a townhouse with two people who are not her family and a cat who is not her big sister while i pack myself off to who the fuck knows where with all of her little furry siblings.
i bawled when carolyn finally said she was leaving. i was partially purely freaking out, knowing that i was so poorly financially prepared for being shoved out on my own, but mostly because i knew this was going to take my baby away from me. i've been too busy being angry and worrying since that first night to get upset, but it hovers around the edges all the time.
kerry offered to hook me up with a friend's not-yet-born puppy, probably hoping to ease the sadness, but of course i don't want another puppy. i want *my* puppy. that's like losing custody of your child and deciding to have another baby to replace it.
of course, i will get another dog someday. i've almost never not had a dog - only for a few months as a child and for about a year when we first moved to toronto - and the idea of me living without one is sort of laughable to most people who know me. and regardless of any plan i might lay out, all it will take is one random moment at the animal shelter and i'll be coming home with someone. but it will be a long while, i think.
i'm conflicted about what kind of dog i'll end up with. i've always been a big-dog sort of person - i grew up with a german sheppard, after all. the bigger the dog and the more sissy little girls who are afraid of it, the better. but having this funny little (almost) lap-sized bundle of fur for six years has made me fond of something that can share the couch (comfortably) with me or nap with me on the bed (again, not that i haven't known giant dogs who have tried, and sometimes succeeded, depending on the size of the bed).
i'm still never going to be a foo-foo doggie type of person. i mean, i love all dogs, but i will never pick out a poodle or a little purse-dog with a ponytail on its' head (altho' i did put a ponytail on my friend's cocker spaniel when she desperately needed a haircut and couldn't see around the hair drooping in her eyes, and it was funny). but i'm no longer so sure that i will surround myself with sheppards and rotties and labs and the like, at least, not exclusively. i love to take my sister's dog (who can pull me off my feet in a heartbeat) out and run her around and play, but there's a lot to be said for a dog who can sit in your lap while you drive.
must go now. my happy little dog is up and wants my attention.