i had planned - altho' of course i was telling myself that i wasn't *really* going to go through with it, because it was completely irresponsible given my current state of debt - to head downtown tomorrow night and see if i could get myself a nine inch nails ticket from a scalper. it was going to be my treat, my splurge, my One Thing I Could Not Pass Up. hello, fucking nine inch nails, in a small venue! student loans and phone bills be damned. this shit doesn't happen very often. hell, nine inch nails shows don't happen very often at all. when trent leaves town, you never really know if he's ever coming back, and if it will be this decade or the next.
two hundred and fifty dollars later (some of which is not yet taken care of, because the woman at the vet clinic was very understanding), i will be doing no such thing.
fifty dollars for the examination fee, plus fifty because it was an after-hours emergency. twenty dollars to have my beautiful boy cremated - and over a hundred to have the ashes returned.
the costs there seem a little cockeyed to me. besides that, why does it cost so much to return the ashes? is it being sent by limo? is it coming in a golden urn? what do you want with my baby's remains that it costs me over a hundred dollars to get them back?
we didn't have baby sully returned to us because we just didn't have the funds at the time - and at that clinic, which refused to see my baby on friday becasue the doctor wasn't familiar with rabbits (what kind of pet vet is he?), it was only sixty dollars, cremation and returning the ashes and urn included. (i don't know if i get an urn, or if he will just be - well, in a bag.) i regretted it deeply of course, because altho' the whole idea of having the ashes is honestly kind of strange, if that's all i can have to remember him with, i want to have it. i didn't want to bury him (either of them) at my parents' house because they might finally move one day, and then my baby will be buried in someone else's woods. so i chose to take the hit on the returning fee.
lila just nodded as if she understood, altho' she told me she didn't want her rabbits ashes when he passed away ("didn't you feed your rabbit to the snake?" "no! we fed the rat to the snake when he died, not the rabbit!"). brenna nearly swallowed her tongue and started out with, "ciANNE, what were you THINKING? ... " and then paused and said, " ... no, you know, i can't say that, because when my dog goes, i'm going to want her ashes too."
of course, i was a disaster on saturday, because i'd had less than three hours of sleep and my eyes were swollen from bawling my face off, and every time i had to explain to someone what had happened and why i hadn't slept i started wibbling again. i didn't tell my kids, because you just don't tell eight and nine year olds about dying bunnies when they're competing, especially when they are in permanent awe of the very fact that oh my god, you have BUNNIES?! to start with. i just told them that i was very, very tired. but at any gymn meet up there, there are going to be parents that i've known for years that i don't see often because their kids are in on different nights, and coaches that i've known for years who have moved to other gyms, and of course you have to catch up with all of them every time you see them, and coincidentally none of them are the type of people who will not tell you flat out that you look terrible and fail to ask why, altho' they're also the type of people who will immediately understand about dying bunnies when some others might not, maybe because they all know me so well.
then of course i had to call my mother and tell her why i was coming to stay at her house on saturday night instead of going to my sister's house to stay with the kids like i usually do when i'm in town, and of course telling your MOM that you can't handle the kids right now because your bunny has died when you're already emotionally wobbly just sends you off on a big weepy tirade, so i was sitting in the office snivelling with a bunch of parent volunteers - some of whom i have also known for many, many years - overhearing the conversation and trading very sympathetic looks while trying to pretend they're not listening. then i finally got to my parents' house, having reached a zombie-like state almost 24 hours after the bunny incident began, and i gave my dad (some of)the money i had charged up on his visa at one o'clock in the morning and my dad, uncharacteristically, reverted to 'daddy' mode and hugged me like i was ten and said he was sorry about my "baby" and i started bawling all over my parents' kitchen because i'd been holding it in all day and i was so exhausted i was ready to drop.
i got some sleep last night at least, so today was a little easier. the club president (who is incidentally married to leah, who was my first coach ever, who now has a seven-year-old daughter in pre-comp even tho' she doesn't coach anymore) brought a cooler full of beer to the gym for the take-down crew (which is the sort of reason why i love this man so much, for the record), so we hauled all the equipment back out and put it up (in about two hours, which shows how much a few years of hosting meets will improve your set-up time) and then sat down on the floor with beer and leftover potato chips from the coaches table, and i got to relax for the first time in over two days.
i did come thru the door at home and essentially pass out on the couch, after comforting poor lonely baby aj who still isn't sure where his life partner has gone to, but i have tomorrow off to recover. kerry and i were supposed to go to the zoo tomorrow, but i called her and told her i just couldn't do it. she knew i had taken nicky to the emerg clinic on friday, so she asked and i had to tell her, and of course she was horrified.